starting over

  I made another a new goal to start writing again.  I think Sundays are best. I'll just try to remember stuff from the previous week.

  Two weeks ago was a little rough as we took Taylor in to get his Graves Disease taken care of by irradiating his thyroid gland.  Medications weren't working.  He still was only sleeping two hours at a time and he was down to 140 lbs. (he's 6'3")  We had to drive to Weston (an hour away), wait for an hour in the radiology waiting room, have a ten minute procedure, then drive an hour back - four times! ACK!! Actually, it was lovely having the time to chit chat with him about all kinds of things, but that waiting room was gross. The craziest part was that Taylor had to stay at least 5 ft. away from everyone, including the dog, for three days. He has to go back for more lab work in two weeks, but in Palm Beach, so that's not so bad.
  My sister Amy came last Sunday to visit with her son Pete. She was supposed to go on a cruise, but Duff (her husband) got a job working on a film and had to cancel.  Fortunately, she got the cruise money back, but not the flight. Pete's full name is the same as Duff's so he got to use the other ticket.  We hung out here Mon. and Tues. then went to Orlando Wed. - Sat.  She got free Disney tickets from a friend.  We went to Epcot, Hollywood studios and Wild Kingdom.  Pete was awesome - he'd ride a few rides, see a few shops and was ready to go. Because the tickets were free, no one felt obligated to "get their money's worth" and stay all day. LOVELY!!  There was some sadness however, even being at the "happiest place on earth". There was a massive earthquake that devastated Haiti. With so many dead and dying, it felt a little wrong to go on rides and eat over-priced food. Speaking of food, however, we were very good at trying to eat healthy and clean as our family is doing a biggest loser competition before our San Diego hamfam reunion in July. Dave came up on Fri. night, and we went to the temple on Sat. morning.  I really paid attention to the ceremony as I had to teach about the creation in Gospel Doctrine today. For our last night together, Amy and I went to see "Young Victoria" and had Japanese Bento boxes at Shingo's.  The movie was great and so was the food. The greatest part however, was the company.  I love that my sisters are my best friends and it is the best treat to have them visit me. Like all treats, it's never enough!

source of true power

I have sweet assurance because I know that by the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I have the power to overcome anything, including myself. In Isaiah 55:8 - we read, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord." The idea and source of power for the world are completely at odds with that of Our Father. The world is confused with the idea that true power comes not from superiority, aggression and dominance, but from humility, submission and love. The ultimate source of power that we as mortal humans can experience comes from the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As members of any Christian religion, the term "power of Atonement is often heard. Do we understand what that really means? The Atonement is the perfect example of humility, submission and love there has ever been and therefore the most perfect source of pure power there will ever be. Jesus Christ had both mortal and immortal qualities. This gave Him the ability to live here on earth as a mortal and also the immortal ability to take upon Him all manner of human suffering that keeps us stained and separated from Our Father. This immortal ability to overcome the world on our behalf, also allowed the sacrifice of His mortal body to be the vehicle necessary to pay the price for our sins, cleanse us and then give Heavenly Father the opportunity to allow us back into His perfectly pure presence. The fact that Jesus had these abilities to atone for us is of course extraordinary. What makes the Atonement perfect is the fact that He humbly, submissively and lovingly chose to do it. Though I don't have the immortal power to atone for myself, I do have the mortal opportunity to have the spiritual power needed to overcome myself. This comes from following the example of the Savior by choosing humility, submissiveness and love.

Christ showed perfect humility by leaving His heavenly throne and condescending to live as a mortal on the earth to be our exemplar and Redeemer. My show of humility has come when I have chosen to acknowledge my sins and weaknesses, take responsibility for them and recognize the need to repent of them. According to Doctrine and Covenants 1:28, 19:23, 112:10, and 124:97 the blessings and power that come from humility are strength, knowledge, peace, guidance, answers to prayers, comfort, and be given, in the very hour what we should say. As often as I have felt the need to repent, and then humbled myself, I have experienced many of these blessings. As a woman that occasionally feels inadequate as a mother, wife, fill-in-the-blank, these blessings have given me power to overcome these feelings. I have been given knowledge to understand that what seem like inadequacies are just normal, human attributes. I have been given in that very hour to know what to say to those whom my normal, human attributes effect, to ask forgiveness and help them feel loved despite my human failings. I have been given peace as I have felt forgiven, strength to forgive myself and others, courage to move forward and not dwell on the past, and power to surrender my will to the Father's

Jesus displayed the ultimate act of submission in the Garden of Gethsemane when he said "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. The need for me to submit comes when I have unfortunately displayed the opposite attitude, that of pride and fear. Pride and fear have always led to painful ends. Usually the pain ends up being extensive enough that I have no choice but to let go of my false sense of control and surrender. The choice though, is not just to submit, but submit to what or whom? There are a myriad of choices; some are sinister and addictive like, drugs, pornography and eating disorders, others are just distractions, like TV, a novel or just a Diet Coke. Too often I have chosen to surrender to worldly (read easier) things that have given me something that disguises itself as peace: relief. Relief is lovely, but limited. It brings a temporary deadening of pain and only lasts as long as it takes the next difficult circumstance to arise. When I have chosen to sacrifice my pride and my will on the altar in subjection to my Heavenly Father's will, I have put myself in a position of being connected to divinity, holiness, knowledge and light. This connection has provided me with understanding and ability beyond what I had before. I find that Christ's grace is indeed sufficient for me and that my weak things have been made strong unto me (Ether 12:27). I have discovered that my pride and fear have been replaced with peace and power, the power necessary to overcome the obstacles and pain that seemed to previously break me. This divine connection also opens me up to the greatest power of all - love.

The Savior's unconditional and pure love is proven by His atonement. John 15:13 tells us "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." Again, through the power of the atonement along with my attitudes of humility and submission, I have the ability to develop this pure love, or charity. I can see that the apostle Paul was right when he said "Charity never faileth" (1 Cor. 12:8). I have been able to love myself beyond my faults and weaknesses and see myself anew because I am new. I can now love my neighbor as myself. I can love a rebellious child, and indifferent husband, an exhausting extended family member, a difficult neighbor, an enemy. With this power of love comes the ability to free myself from feeling responsible for anyone else's choices and the conflicting emotions those choices can harbor. This power not only gives me the opportunity to make covenants, but the desire to keep them. The commandments are not longer on the "must do" list, but on the "can't wait" to do list. Service becomes natural instead of inconvenient.

If I follow the perfect example of Jesus Christ by choosing humility, submission to the Father, and love, I have the sweet assurance that I will have the strength necessary to overcome myself and any circumstance. As I practice these choices, have faith in the real power of the Atonement and endure to the end, I have the sweetest assurance of all - the eternal power to be in the infinitely loving and pure presence of God.

Rights for homosexuals - just a smokescreen

If two consenting adults of either gender want to commit themselves into a lifetime partnership - more power to 'em. We should all receive the same CIVIL rights regardless of orientation. The government, however has NO CIVIL right to change not just the definition of marriage, but the CIVIL rights of those that the traditional term of marriage has defined. If we were just talking about a dictionary change, that would be one thing, but laws that were passed in states like MA, and trying to get passed in states like CA & FL are worded in such a (subtle) way that your CIVIL right to morally disagree with this new definition will be gone. If you did not agree to have your child (as early as kindergarten) taught about homosexuality, you could be arrested for a hate crime. If your church opens themselves for public worship, but your doctrine stated that marriage is between a man and a woman and ordained of God, and therefore could not marry a gay couple, that church could be sued, fined and shut down. If a doctor didn't feel morally right about inseminating for a gay couple, he/she could be fined and fired. These are not speculations, they have already happened in Massachusetts.
Believe it or not, there is a bigger problem. In CA. the majority of the voters wanted to keep the definition of marriage between one man and one woman. The CA supreme court in a 4-3 vote overturned the decision. The definition of marriage to include homosexuals is a smokescreen. It's about giving away our power. We (gay and straight alike) CANNOT allow 7 judges (who can be bought), to legislate from the bench. We CANNOT allow 7 judges to assume superiority over the voters and the ability to overturn a majority vote. Laws like Prop 8 in CA tells the judges that WE THE PEOPLE decide, not them.

EXPELLED!!!

Last night Dave and I saw the movie "Expelled! No intelligence allowed" It was a "Michael Moore" type documentary (meaning a little over the top), but conservative. We thought it was about education in general, but it's about how the American system of science education treats professors and other doctors of science, if they debate or even have questions about Darwinism. Many in the world's science community have questions about the COMPLETE validity of Darwin's theory of the origin of the species'. Most scientists agree that there is evolution within a species, it's just hard to swallow now that ALL species derived from ONE cell. And even if that were a possibility, how did that one cell come to be? NO one can answer that in a scientifically, quantifiable way. The leading Darwinists had all kinds of theories to the beginning of biological life, from "on the backs of crystals" to "a higher species from another galaxy (aliens?) had enough technological information to send a biological cell from their world into our primordial ooze." Several wacky theories, just absolutely no way could there be intelligent design. I don't know, doesn't the alien theory sound almost like God? Just don't call it God. The leading scientists or Darwinists rather, as they call themselves, are TOTALLY insistent that there is no God, that God is just a fairy tale or myth (yet they have no problem with life being created by aliens or crystals?). They cannot accept that anyone that might consider just the possibility of intelligent design as an alternate theory is nothing more than a fundamentalist wacko with a right wing political agenda - they certainly cannot be considered real scientists. So legitimate professors and doctors of science that have questions about Darwinism or want to even discuss the possibility of intelligent design along WITH Darwinism, get at the very least, their funding cut, but more often that not, fired and blackballed from the university system. Isn't that what science is supposed to be? To question the validity of theories and standard thought? The very religious absolutism that the scientific establishment seems to be so afraid of, is exactly what they are embracing. There is only one way to believe, and if you don't agree, you don't have the freedom to express it within this community - Welcome to the tyranny of American intellectualism.

And now, for something completely different!

My last two blogs are a little angry/whiny. Sorry about that. I'd like to mention something that makes me HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY! I LOVE to conduct music, particularly hymnal or sacred music. If I could conduct the "Hallelujah Chorus" with the Tabernacle Choir, the rest of my "bucket list" would be irrelevant. This past Saturday I put together a music workshop for my Stake. It's the first one they've ever had, so about 10 people showed up, but I didn't care. We had an organ class, choral conducting, and basic congregational conducting. I taught the basic congregational conducting class and I loved it. Two of my favorite things together - conducting and teaching - it makes me happy just thinking about it. Most people in the church conduct improperly. We just think if we know a beat pattern that's enough. Actually it is enough, but it is fun to do it right. Give me a good prep beat and strong ictus baby, and I'm yours!

Hmmm, maybe I just have thing about being in front of people. Singing, conducting, teaching, public speaking, acting. Of course, singing, I don't care if anyone hears me or not, I just love to do it anyway. But the other stuff makes me wonder if I'm a little desperate for attention - you know, 6th in a family of 8 kids and all. Or maybe, these things are my gifts and it makes me happy to use them. I choose the latter (even if the former hypotheses is a little true too ;).

Time is free, yet priceless

My sister Liz and I were talking about our unrealized business ideas and ended up questioning ourselves as to the need for us to have said businesses. Is it really necessary for us to immediately give up our free time the second our last child enters school ? (my last child is now in Jr. High - so clearly it's a moot point for me). My husband noticed that this past week I've been the happiest he's seen me in a while (his perception that I must be happy is I initiate... intimacy). What's funny is that I was feeling guilty about the fact that I did as little as possible in the things I have to do; I ended up reading a 450 page book ("Mr. Darcy takes a wife" - hence my need for initiating things), played the piano for an hour and a half, and watched all my tivo'ed shows. OF COURSE I was happy! I feel like I should be helping with our income now, does that mean I am required to - when I don't HAVE to? It's not that I still don't contribute to our family, I still drive all over the place, make food, launder STINKY hockey, lacrosse, basketball stuff, have a Stake calling, 3 ward callings incl. ward camp director, etc. It's not like I do nothing all day - EVERY day. Is it wrong to enjoy my new (okay, 6 year) freedom? The thing is, I haven't allowed myself to enjoy it, because of the guilt. Maybe I just haven't found the right thing yet. Honestly, though - commit my time to another boss, when I finally have a little relief from the "bosses" I already have? Actually, I feel it is my obligation to enjoy my free time as much as possible for those that can't :). I am so done with guilt for no reason. I am resolved to own my time and enjoy it no matter what others feel I should be doing. When I'm ready to fill my days with more responsibility, I will - on MY TIME!

pms - ya THINK?

You know you're premenstrual when you wake up pissed and you want nothing more than to down a can of Betty Crocker dark chocolate fudge frosting out of the can. What is with the intense desire for chocolate, sugar and to make sure the people you love know that they're idiots? Not that it's a totally bad thing. My 18 year old, who is sooo over high school and thinks he can go to class when he chooses, was as usual, sleeping in. I merely told him what I thought of that - true, a little firmer than usual - he was out the door 10 min. later. He could use a little more pms in his life! I'm reminded of the comedienne that fights with her son and he shouts back "I didn't ask to be born, why did you even have me?" She responds with "Well, we didn't think it would be YOU! We thought we'd get someone with a job! It's my own fault, all growing up I told him - ""Don't get smart." Sheesh, I better drink some herb tea, rent a really funny movie and get a message before I do some damage.